we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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