Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
