she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
