my phone needs a breathalizer
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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