our cab driver is having phone sex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
