i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
