How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
