you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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