ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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