I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
