I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
