I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
