Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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