Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
