Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
