hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
