you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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