i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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