I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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