Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
