Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sext me about skeletons
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
