If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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