you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
