Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
