Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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