she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
