shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
