bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
