my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
