If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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