I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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