Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
