I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
