Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
