So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
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He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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