we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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