Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
