I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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