her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
