I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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