it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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