Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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