if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Drunk is a universal language darling
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
