dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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