when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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