how can u be prego again
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
