currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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