Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I came so hard my ears popped.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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