Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Welp...herpes.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
