the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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