you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
