I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
