you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
