So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
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I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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